I'm hard on myself.

I am. Like, really, really hard. And it's not in a good way either. I wish I could say that by being hard on myself I'm pushing myself to achieve more. Be more. But what ends up happening is the complete opposite. I shut down. I become riddled with anxiety and begin to doubt what I am and what I know.

I was really hard on myself this morning. I had a midterm on some basic instrumentation and I forgot to perform a step during an assessment. My actual technique was all over the place and I was fighting with the instrument to roll, adapt, and control it to the tooth. I had psyched myself out big time. Now, if anyone else had done this, I would have told them not to worry, it's only a few points, no biggie. But when it's me, I tend to think maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I begin to doubt.

Now the rational, common sense side of me says this is so not a big deal and to take the evaluations criticism's and work on them. But the irrational, prone to anxiety and impulsive side wants to scrap the whole thing and just get a bio tech degree. Go work in a lab somewhere and inoculate petri dishes.

The reality of it is, I've spent two years, and a lot of money to get to this point. I can't fail now. I can't give up now. I'll continue on this path, but I need to get a grip on the anxiety. It doesn't help that I'm in a class with mostly young 20-somethings, who for the most part, don't have much in the way of other life responsibilities so this is what they have to focus ALL of their energy on. I do not. I have all the trappings of life that most 30-somethings have plus the added caveat of being a military spouse. Part of me is grateful for being 30-something because it's given me advantages the young ones don't have. The life experience and wisdom that comes with age. But there are times, like this morning where I really wish that I was 20 and could devote all of my energy to this endeavor.

I'll get over this. I know I will. I always do, but I don't like failing. It sucks. It saps my confidence, and I need my confidence right now to help me fake it until I make it.

The business of being busy.

I haven't updated in a month. Sorry about that. Between the three hours of homework a night the Kracken's 1st grade teacher sends home every night, the 2 hours of reading I need to do with my own homework and a husband who's flying every other night has left me wondering if I'm going to go insane. Add to that the Princess who DOES NOT STOP MOVING EVER, and I'm very much looking forward to winter break.

School on my end is going really well, and despite a few not so good quizzes in Head and Neck anatomy (I was resting on my laurels a bit and not studying as well as I should have) I'm learning a lot. We have started student partners and tomorrow is gingival probing. So far, the actual technique of instrument handling and chair moving I've picked up and I seem to be having little light bulb moments of clarity in my tactile sense. I'm developing my "hygiene eyes" the ability to see with my fingers and one of the most important skills one has to develop with this profession. This is exciting for me, and shows me even more that this was something I knew that I would be good at.

The kids are doing very well and we've gotten a routine down for the week. It's a long day for them, but they are both so independent and outgoing, it hasn't affected them at all!

All in all, life is moving at the speed of light and we are all just hanging on for the ride. It's a little bumpy here and there, but all in all, it's super fun.