I am. Like, really, really hard. And it's not in a good way either. I wish I could say that by being hard on myself I'm pushing myself to achieve more. Be more. But what ends up happening is the complete opposite. I shut down. I become riddled with anxiety and begin to doubt what I am and what I know.
I was really hard on myself this morning. I had a midterm on some basic instrumentation and I forgot to perform a step during an assessment. My actual technique was all over the place and I was fighting with the instrument to roll, adapt, and control it to the tooth. I had psyched myself out big time. Now, if anyone else had done this, I would have told them not to worry, it's only a few points, no biggie. But when it's me, I tend to think maybe I'm just not cut out for this. I begin to doubt.
Now the rational, common sense side of me says this is so not a big deal and to take the evaluations criticism's and work on them. But the irrational, prone to anxiety and impulsive side wants to scrap the whole thing and just get a bio tech degree. Go work in a lab somewhere and inoculate petri dishes.
The reality of it is, I've spent two years, and a lot of money to get to this point. I can't fail now. I can't give up now. I'll continue on this path, but I need to get a grip on the anxiety. It doesn't help that I'm in a class with mostly young 20-somethings, who for the most part, don't have much in the way of other life responsibilities so this is what they have to focus ALL of their energy on. I do not. I have all the trappings of life that most 30-somethings have plus the added caveat of being a military spouse. Part of me is grateful for being 30-something because it's given me advantages the young ones don't have. The life experience and wisdom that comes with age. But there are times, like this morning where I really wish that I was 20 and could devote all of my energy to this endeavor.
I'll get over this. I know I will. I always do, but I don't like failing. It sucks. It saps my confidence, and I need my confidence right now to help me fake it until I make it.
5 comments:
I admire you for sticking with this process. I know it must be hard. Especially with little help from family up where you are. I know all to well about anxiety, it's a bitch!! And I think in the end, the fact that you made it through, in addition to having all the extra responsibilities will make success that much sweeter. We're rooting for you here! :)
You CAN do this. You are such a strong person - I know you can do this. It's really hard to balance kids, a working husband, the house, everything. But you can do it. If you're feeling low, go do something else for a little break that you are totally awesome at (even if it's something trivial like MarioKart...my personal favorite). It'll pump you up and get your mind off of not being perfect for a little bit. You're awesome!
I am exactly the same way, so I don't have any advice to offer. I am trying to be kinder to myself- and I find it's a lot harder than being nice to anyone else. Lots of hugs!!
All of this is what will make you an excellant clinician! You know you won't quit, I know you won't quit. I am so very proud of you for doing this. It sure ain't easy! Anything worth having is worth working hard for.
YOU CAN DOOOO THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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